Tuesday, September 17, 2013

confessions of a control freak.

Hi. My name is Hope, and I am a control freak. I like to plan, schedule, and prepare for every possible situation. I like to know the when/what/where at all times. Especially the "when." Patience is not my strong suit. Never has been. But you may have heard, when you pray for something, God gives you the situations to use what your asking for. For me, that is always patience and He always delivers the circumstances that require it. Moving, studying, job searches, dreams for the future, etc.

What usually contributes to my impatience is comparison. Dustin and I had a conversation recently about the Joneses. You know that proverbial family that we all try to keep up with? The one who has the "dream" job, house, family, car, pets, life, etc. Dustin made a great point. As a society, we are no longer trying to keep up with the Joneses-- we are trying to out-do them! We see what "they" have and we have to have bigger, better, newer, faster, etc.

I had never thought of it that way. Probably because I am too busy thinking about what I want. I'm often guilty of making a plan in my head of how I want things to pan out and the timeline that it should follow that works for me. Did you notice the words in those last two sentences? I, my, me. How selfish my control freak, impatient tendencies can be! Lately, God has especially been speaking to my heart about patience and a desire for His will. Yes, I believe God wants to give us the desires of our hearts and that we can present our requests to Him. But what I don't always do is pray for His will to be done, not mine.

My sweet friend Sophie made this canvas for me. You can support missions and her beautiful work through her Etsy shop, LetteringfortheWorld. The words are the title of one of my favorite hymns and one that was included in our wedding. I have it on our wall that we see right when we come in the front door. What a great reminder it has been! While the song has always been special to me, I have been thinking about it even more lately. The hymn doesn't say "Be thine own vision" but rather "Be Thou my vision"-- I want God's plans for me to be my vision, not my plans for me. I want His will, not mine.

This morning I was reading Psalm 143. Don't you love when you re-read a familiar text and it hits you with a fresh message? I know I do. Verse 10 leaped off the page and into my heart.

Teach me to do your will, 
for you are my God;
may your good spirit 
lead me on level ground. 

Teach me to do your will. Wow. I have been praying that God would shift my desires align with His will. When I read that David, the man after God's own heart, asked God to teach him to do His will, I was so encouraged. Not only by an example of someone who experienced similar feelings, but also by the example of the words to pray. You better believe these words will be in my heart and on my lips. Not only do I want to pray that God's will be done, I want to be taught to do it. 

This is the song that the local Christian radio has been playing lately has also spoken to my heart. I've mentioned before that I love when God gives me several reminders. He knows I need them! The song is called "Lift My Life Up" by Unspoken. The lyrics are beautiful. Here are some of my favorites:

All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up
Have your way in me
Take my life and let it be all for You

For a control freak, it isn't easy to let go of plans and dreams. I want to hold onto them and do what I can to see that they are carried out and obtained. But as a believer, I know that I am called to have faith in the One who knows better than my heart and mind could even imagine. His plan and ways are perfect. So I am doing my best to leave all my dreams and plans in His hands. I am praying that I will be taught to do His will, not mine. I want to desire Him above all. 

Thank you for letting me share a bit of what has been on my heart lately. I pray that His word and these songs speak to you as much as they have spoken to me. If you're a control freak like me, I pray that we allow Him to teach us to do His will. I pray that we desire that He have His way in us. 

Have a blessed day!

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